Exploring the Dark Corners of Kink While Balancing Intimacy and Sexual Play with Others

*by Jay Wolfspirit on Friday 31 January 2025*

For a year I was in a committed kink-focused relationship where exploration and sex were eventually beautifully combined and solely focused on one partner. This was not a natural fit for me at first, but I eventually got there in the relationship and absolutely loved the feel of it. Now that I am single again I’m forced to re-evaluate my priorities and focus. Leveraging healthy coping mechanisms (journaling, reflection, meditation) I've spent considerable time reflecting on my what priorities should be and where to focus my effort and time. My priority right now is to focus on myself. I still have a deep calling to explore all the dark and twisted corners of BDSM, so I need to set healthy boundaries with those who I explore with, while still holding compassion and empathy for them. This is the first time in my life I find myself truly separating kink play, deep intimacy, and sex. Still, at my core I am a hopeless dark romantic. There is no way to predict the future, and I want to explore all the things in a healthy and authentic way that still leaves my heart and soul open to someday finding that one sadomasochistic queen to walk in the dark corners of kink with me and explore all the things together.

In my past I heavily intertwined fetish exploration, intimacy, and sex in one way or another. This seemed like a natural fit for me. When I was living a lifestyle that focused heavily on nonmonogamy or even polyamorous dating, this was ok. A sexual focus on kink is unbelievably fulfilling and addictive, but it must be done in an ethical and healthy way. In the past, I have been guilty of “spinning too many plates at once” and I now understand that in my individual case, having so many intimate and sexual connections did not allow me to truly focus on any of one of them. Not being able to focus and truly embrace the intimacy left me feeling unfulfilled on an emotional level. Also, having so many intimate and sexual partners comes with a lot of stress over managing the time and emotional investment and STI/sexual health concerns. For me, diving into this deep of a time and emotional focus and investment on so many different people felt exhausting and robbed the intensity you can focus on one deep intimate connection.

It has been my individual experience that the majority of kinksters within the community have less than one year of experience exploring kink. This is hard for those of us with decades of experience to find kinksters who can meet us at our experience level. With those who I have played with I found that most wanted to focus more on sex than the actual kink play. At this point in my life, I want to prioritize myself and protect my intimacy and sexuality energy. I simply do not want a high volume of sexual partners. I want to wait and naturally form a deep emotional, psychological, and sexual connection with one kinkster that will allow me to fully embrace intimacy and sexuality in a vulnerable and authentic way.

In the past, kink play has been very transactional for me. I would essentially trade my sadistic experience in the form of “performing” the Topping of fetishes or types of kink play in exchange for sexual access with kinksters. These kinksters usually had little or no experience so the type of play was always rudimentary and unfulfilling for me. Now that I have removed sex and intimacy as an a bartering tool for potential exploration partners, I have to ask myself what am I getting out of this encounter. This has allowed me to give myself permission to turn some kinksters down because what they want to explore is simply not what I’m looking for right now. Being more selective has deepened the intensity of the experiences that I have taken on. Now for the first time in my life I’m starting to feel fulfilled on a sadistic level. Traveling this new path has been absolutely fascinating and life changing. I am excited to see where this journey takes me.